9/9/2018

It’s been a lonely 2 weeks since my girlfriend (Alanna) left for basic. This weekend my parents have gone away to the beach until Wednesday and I realized that I am very lonely, and I have no one to keep me company or even people who say they care be there for me. As I walk around places I go I try my best to be a nice guy and to always try to bring her up, so I can talk about it and not stay all bottled up inside. This shit fucking sucks. If I may be honest I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. Its been about 9 months since I hurt my back weight lifting and I was supposed to ship out to basic training on June 25^th, 2018. However, I’m still stuck here in this shit hole of a town doing nothing and I can barely handle not doing anything. I’ve noticed in this world (teenage world) is that people who say they are your friends and say they are there for you are truly not. I’ve realized this about 3 years ago and I keep thinking that’s not true but, in all reality… it is. I miss Alanna so much. Yet, my sadness and just utter depression isn’t because she isn’t here because I know she will be back sooner then I can imagine. But it’s the fact that I may get discharged. Growing up the military has always sparked my interest and I think it would be fun to live that life and to be able to do something for the country I love. If I get discharged, then I would not know what to do with my life. Alanna would be in for 6 years and that means if she didn’t reenlist she would be done with the army life when she turns 24. I really do love this woman and she is everything I have! I feel like if I got discharged that I would fail her as a man and fail my country. Yeah, I know that only 1% can even get in the military and I fucking made it!! I was so excited that I made it in and I could’ve sworn I was going to make it thru but just what I thought. Its all too good to be true. I do that a lot. I plan something that seems awesome and then boom. It never happens. That’s why I’m so lucky to have someone like my baby girl. I knew that I was an asshole and a douchebag and when I met her I didn’t want to lose her, so I changed my ways just, so I wouldn’t lose her or even worse. Hurt her. I don’t want to be discharged and be less of a man for her and not be able to provide her with the best future that she deserves. I’m 18 years old and it seems like everyone I know has a plan and a way to start their life.  They are in training now for the military or off at some college out having fun and I’m just stuck here working 40 hours a week at a job I sort of like and sort of don’t like and that fucking sucks. Idk how to even start my life. I have a crap car and like $200 to my name. I Want to marry ALANNA SO DAMN MUCH, but I just don’t feel good enough for her. I know what she deserves, and I hope she doesn’t see that because I love her with all my heart and I would hate to see her go. To see her being happy with someone else. It makes me want to cry but I know that’s not how she feels right now at least.  As you can tell I have a shit ton on my mind and I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place. Back to what I was saying. I don’t want to get discharged because this was my plan! To serve my country that I love and to have a good steady thing going and then I just ended up hurting my back in high school!?!?! How fucking lame is that?? I fucking got hurt lifting weight when I could’ve just have sat back and done nothing and maybe now I would be at AIT having fun and doing what I wanted to do. Saying all of that. I’ve learned that I have no control in my life and God knows what he is doing, and he already has a plan for me. I just fucking hate to wait!!! It’s been nine months God can you please just help me out a little please??? I can’t say that he hasn’t done anything because he has helped a shit ton. One night I was driving to my gym and I’m pretty sure it was the night after Alanna left for basic and I was fucked up. Not drugs, alcohol or anything. Just emotional. I prayed and begged God to take away all my fear and anxiety and to take it away from me and to take control and the next morning I woke up with all fear removed and worry taken away. I was blown away! I told myself if that helped me out then just pray for what I want and so I did. I prayed for him to help heal my back and I keep praying for it and I’m just waiting until that day comes where it just keeps getting better and better. So yeah I’m still stuck here waiting. I really want to go to basic, but I’m scared I’m going to hurt my back even more or something really bad is going to happen. Because with Alanna being In that means she will be gone from time to time and with her job she might even get deployed for a bit and idk how ill handle that. Being away from her this long sucks already. Plus what kind of person will people see me as?  The guy with the military wife? The guy who was in for a little over a year and then got discharged and couldn’t even go to basic?? WTF?? That’s so lame and it will suck. NOTHING against Alanna because I love her and I’m glad she got to do what she wants in her life.  I just really thought this plan would’ve went great for me. But I guess not.  I’m so super proud of her and what she is doing! I really am! Just jelly that I’m not able to. We wont be able to share the same things that we went thru.  It just fucking sucks ass. I’ve been writing Alanna for about every single night besides like two or three because in those days I haven’t really done much to even write about. I really hope my letters help her! Jared (Alanna’s bro) told me that her parents thought I was being mean to her and making her feel bad for going and I hope I didn’t do that. I’m a very difficult person sometimes. I am VERY emotional and I thought it was just a phase when I was with my ex but I guess not. That’s just who I am. And if you ever see this darling I’m sorry if I made you this way. I really am baby. I just miss you so much and I need you.  You understand me like no one has before and that makes you very special to me and I want you in my life forever! You make me feel heard and loved and just the only person in this world!! I just really hope that whatever God has in store for me will benefit me and help me become the man that my family, country and Alanna.